As a child of the leading edge of the Baby Boomer generation I am old enough to remember when folk music was among the most popular genres of music on the radio. Sure there was rock and roll and even some country out on the airwaves but it was the ballads of the folk musicians that made me and many others stop and listen. One of the most influential songwriters and performers of that era was an amazing voice from Canada, Joni Mitchell. I know that many who read this will not know of her early work, may not have heard of her at all but for me she had a clarity of message that resonated with my life at the time.

Recently I was listening to some old classics on Pandora, even old people use digital music delivery, and I heard these words;

"I've looked at life from both sides now
From WIN and LOSE and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all"

When you are a teenager or an early twenty something you think you have enough experiences to say those words and have a sense of conviction. I did anyway. I thought, somehow, I knew enough to understand what she meant by life's illusions. As my age tripled and my experience grew in orders of magnitude I hear those words this week and, somehow, believe I now know what she means...life's illusions.

I have a friend...a great friend in fact...who recently concluded a divorce. Some would say that it was amicable, based on what you see on the news about celebrity divorces it was downright peaceful. But that does not mean there weren't some illusions that were broken by reality. It does not mean that there was not deep pain, a sense of guilt perhaps, maybe even a bit of relief but still there had to be some sense that everything you believed about marriage is no longer true.

I suppose in this world where half of all marriages end in divorce some would see this as the, or at least a, normal turn of events and nothing too remarkable. But, for this particular case the story went deeper. The decision was more than painful it was heart wrenching. The idea that what you believed would never be put asunder by any man was somehow going to go away peaceful or not makes you want to try with all your heart to obtain a different outcome. The decision...that idea that we can just choose to do something...is perhaps one of the truly underestimated terms in all of the English language.

I too have been dealing with my illusions. I too have been facing a decision. A decision that is not easy. Like my friend I wonder if there is anything I can do to change the inevitable outcome. Have I done everything I can to resolve the bilious situation and turn it into what my illusions had envisioned.

I have been looking at both sides now...I've tried to give and not take and still somehow the illusion remains elusive. I had hoped, no I had actually expected, that the situation would have been different. I thought a partnership was possible, I thought I brought something to the table that both sides needed and that it would be a win and not a loss. But alas, I really did not understand.

Decisions are hard sometimes for all the wrong reasons. We know the answer, we know what the decision must be, but still, we want the elusive outcome to somehow miraculously appear, to survive the illusion. I've laid in bed at night playing out all the options in my mind. Could I do this, would it be better if only I could do that? Did I try hard enough? Is the problem inside my head, is it of my own making and not actually the disconnect between sides? Am I truly motivated by what is right or is my own pride driving the conditions that cause the problem. Like my friend, I want to find a solution, I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, but in the end there are two sides, there is give and take, and there is the illusion that what we crave will be possible, but the reality is that it's all an illusion.

Once we come to the point where we know the decision we must make, when the illusion is broken, we feel a sense of relief. It will be so much better once we finally get this over with. But unlike colonoscopies or tooth extractions the pain does not go away so easy. The sense of relief that comes from knowing the resolution, the direction, only starts another set of anxieties. How do we do what we have to do? How do we express the issues? How do we choose to end the relationships.

I know what my decision must be. I know what I need to do. But, still I wonder about timing, about how to communicate it, how to make sure others understand why the decisions was made. We start all over again looking at it from both sides, from win and lose. Who will be hurt by the choices we make...and you know somebody will be hurt.

Finally the decision itself wins out and "...they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation." That line by the way for my friends who are not so much students of history begins with "When in the course of human events..." So now we are truly at the point in the decision process that begins to feel like the unwanted surgical or medical procedure. Once we declare the cause we set the course, or we make the play it will be out of our hands and then the true sense of relief can settle in.

In my case I have spent seven months processing the problem, considering the cause, questioning the motives. I have been angry, I have been embarrassed, I've been humiliated, and I have also been repentant, I've been humble, I have been patient but it has been seven long months coming to what was always an inevitable resolution.

I will look back I am sure and think or wonder why it was so hard to see. That pesky hindsight is always so much clearer than the reality we look back on. We ask how could we have not known what the answer would or should be. In truth we did know, we always knew. We just did not want to believe. We wanted to see our illusion live on...we wanted the illusion to be reality.

It is nearly midnight, and once again I have not been able to sleep. I have been tossing and turning and playing out the decision. I have been asking myself; how do I communicate the decision, when do I pull the proverbial trigger. And perhaps most importantly I am trying with all my heart to figure out how to do what I must do without hurting anyone else unnecessarily, especially the innocent.

So, the decision is not easy, it is going to be painful. When we get through it there will be relief, there may even be some euphoria and the breaking of the bands that connect us to another will give a sense of freedom. In the end, though, it will come back to Joni Mitchell "... somethings lost and somethings gained in living every day." It is going to be OK, I am going to be OK.